2021-10-30
Hey there! Thanks for thinking about us. We're not making music anymore but our legacy is semi-preserved on this website. Thanks for your support!
who are we?
oh, you haven't heard? we're...
WHEN
HEROES
FAIL
We formed in Q1 2007, emerging from the shell of now-defunct IRONCLAD.
WHEN HEROES FAIL is a sarcasticore band consisting of five man-children who share a love of live performance art, brutal breakdowns, and watching fourteen year-old kids throw windmills...
AS SEEN ON A CLUB MOHAWK BRICK
...like they've never thrown them before.
we are:
WAZ
BASS/STROBE LIGHTING
WAZ's true talents lie in the fact that he doesn't legally "exist", and many international governments have been trying to trace his whereabouts for generations. World leaders have come to fear his reprehensible dinner-table manners during brunches of great importance. Years later, a doctor will diagnose WAZ with chronic planters warts and the gratuitious birth/death cycle will once again rear a (truly ugly) head.
DALE G.
VOCALS/SAMPLES
A purveyor of disposable lighter repair services by day, DALE G. crafted his art of making women feel uncomfortable around him by keeping severed "exotic dancer" arms in his car's glove box. DALE G. cannot tell the difference between colors, though he is not colorblind; he also cannot read and/or speak but uses a systematic method of breathing to communicate thoughts into gas escaping his mandible giving the illusion of understanding.
BILLY
GUITARS/VOCALS
Do NOT, under any circumstances, ask BILLY directions to someplace, as a hilariously unfunny accident has left him without the mythical "magnetic compass" in the tip of his nose. It has been witnessed and recorded that BILLY made an attempt (although fruitless) to eat more lasagna in a day than any other human being. He can usually be found trying to suntan himself while wearing excessive amounts of turtlenecks.
BEN
DRUMS/SAMPLES
Born in an 18th century Greek Castle, life for BEN has never been the same after Starbucks took his billion-dollar idea of overpriced coffee to fruition. BEN has lived in spite of upper management in any organization for as long as anyone can remember, and constantly mutters to himself about "them bastards coming back to Earth to probe the heathens".
CRAIG
GUITARS/KEYS/SAMPLES/VOCALS/PRODUCTION
A freak accident involving alpha radiation is what gives CRAIG his stunning good looks, but also his tendency to bark at random shiny objects. Ask anyone around, and they will remind you of his stance on labor relations in Zimbabwe (it's unmatched). Sadly, CRAIG tends to confuse the terms "pet" and "brutally murder with prejudice" when talking about domestic animals.
Former IRONCLAD/WHEN HEROES FAIL members include:
Doug
Zach
Andy
We sincerely thank them for their contributions.
